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Sunday, 13 September 2015

Being Hurt: the Beauty and the Beast

---- From the book to be published: The Happy Winner





A good old friend of mine, now a caring wife and a mother, asked me recently while we were chatting on the skype,

“Chandima, how can I refrain from being hurt?”

Instead of giving an answer, I passed her a counter question “why should you want to be refrained from being hurt?”

“That’s a ridiculous question Chandima, who wants to be hurt? Shouldn’t it always be avoided?”

“The answer to your first question is; most people. For the second; not always, because it may not be that bad”

“I can’t understand your point Chandima. Sometimes, he (referring to her husband) tells things that really hurt me. I make long faces and keep unusually quiet, fill my eyes with tears or pretend that I am in a state of depression or in deep thoughts. However, he doesn’t bother at all even to ask me what the problem is or at least pat on my shoulder and say something soothing”.

“OK, my dear, now let’s talk, ‘cause you got a point there”

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Why do we get hurt? That is the big question to start with.

When I was in Sri Lanka, while I was driving along the congested Colombo roads, it was not infrequent that I make some rude gestures to the unruly drivers who make crazy moves. Most often these drivers also react violently. Sometimes, they lower the shutter, and shout at me in utter filth. 

I get mad, angry, frustrated, depressed…., but I never get hurt. Do you ever get hurt when a stranger becomes unkind to you? The answer is “No” for sure.

On the other hand, for a single undesired word, uttered by a loved one, your heart may break into pieces. This is termed “being hurt”.

You get hurt simply because you love someone; your mother, father, siblings, partner, friend, neighbor or even your pet dog.

What is your reaction when you get hurt?

Let me tell you; in 99% of the cases, when you get hurt, you try to show the person that hurt you that you are hurt.  That show comes in many forms as my friend described above as what she does. 

Sometimes the other end may know why the subject is hurt. Sometimes the reason may genuinely be unknown.

In the first case, if you are the cause of being hurt, make a loving gesture as per the relationship; a hug, a kiss, a pat on the shoulder, a touch on the hand etc. and say that ‘I am sorry dear” in the best affectionate way as per your relationship.

In the second case, you first make a loving gesture as above, and then very gently ask “what troubles you dear?”. 

Then you will see that flowers are blooming everywhere, even in the mid-winter....... and you both will find that “being hurt” is one of the most beautiful sensations that you may come across in your life. 

All living beings, need attention and caring, especially, when they are hurt and very especially, from those who have hurt them. Be a beautiful person who is ready to give that caring when it is needed.




Now the other side.

If you ignore the unusual behavior of the loved one or abruptly ask “what’s the matter”, that will wither even the last few flowers in the heart........ and soon both of you will find the ugly side of being hurt. It will really be an ugly beast.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

To experience the beautiful side of being hurt you essentially need to shed the ego, as it is the worst enemy of being happy. To shed the ego, you need to be strong. We have discussed this in detail in several previous chapters.

In a love affair (husband-wife or lovers), if you figure out that your partner is no longer taking any notice that you are hurt, it is a sign that she/he is interested in someone else. Thus, you need to address the issues in a new dimension.

If your partner doesn’t care when you are hurt, from the right beginning of your affair, then try to explain what you need from her/him when you are hurt. If you don’t have the courage to tell the partner that straight, then ask her/him to read this chapter. 

If the partner repeatedly ignores what you asked for, even after you repeatedly give the same back to her/him when she/he is hurt, then just STOP BEING HURT

Never get hurt for a person who doesn’t care that you are hurt. 

This is much easier to be said than done, but it is quite possible if you have the will. 

Let’s discuss that in the next chapter.